31 days of clean foods: reflection

Today I decided, as my 31 days comes to a close, to write a little bit about this past month. The last few days have not been the best, I haven’t been completely true to my “clean” rules as I have outlined, I have been dealing with menstrual cramps that are not giving me any slack, and I even skipped the gym 3 days in a row. Yesterday I went back to the gym, and I feel that the three days off actually were good for me, as I tend to be an extremist – hit the gym to extreme measures – hit the weight loss efforts with extreme measures. Today I sit here and my mind races – I have an eating disorder. I haven’t always had this disorder – I believe I may have had the tendency which was masked by other addictions – horseback riding, then drinking and smoking, then food. I have what is called binge eating disorder – which I’ve been able to “control” for the most part for the majority of this month due to challenging myself to eat whole foods. On Christmas I ate cake with my family and home made cookies – and I’ll be honest, I was scared it was going to send me into a spiral of binging but it didn’t! I actually took home 6 cookies and ate three of them leaving the other three for my husband. I know this doesn’t seem like an accomplishment, but for me – it is huge. So, I sit here, writing this – half sad, half excited. I’m sad because in January I told myself that this year was going to be different – this year I was going to kick this addiction to food in the rear and I was going to change my body for the better – for good. No more yo-yos. As I sit here somewhere between 155-160lbs, that is clearly not the case. I’m happy because although I’m not in my best shape, my nutrition is not where it needs to be, and I still suffer the occasional binge (which for an entire month I have managed to not have any significant binge where I go to bed contemplating a purge – which I have never done but understand why people do – I have actually been able to manage my binges, stopping them before they get completely out of hand) I am closer to discovering “me.” I am no longer trying to be anyone else. Last year and the beginning of this year I would look at magazines and say “wowsers I want her abs” or “that’s what I want to look like” but there was always doubts like “yea but look at her legs, my legs will never look like that.”
Today I sit here and although unhappy with the way I look, I’m prepared to look however my body is meant to. I’m going to work on a nutrition plan with someone who has worked with a friend of mine – I’m hesitant because I’m nervous, but my friend has had great results and I hope that if I explain my athletic goals I won’t wind up with a plan that is 1000 calories. I don’t want to waste money either – so before I do anything crazy I’m really going to have a heart to heart with myself – because I wasted over 600$ this year not including the cost of food – working with a coach and I never truly bought into her process. I wanted my results immediately and as soon as I didn’t see them, I backed out.
My husband says “what’s two weeks? You started Medifast and gave it two weeks and then you stuck with it and lost a lot of weight! What’s two weeks?”
Honestly, at this point I’d give Medifast a try again if I thought I’d be able to maintain the muscle mass I’ve put on these last few months. But I remember how I felt when I was working out as much as I was and eating between 800-1000 calories a day. I remember feeling sluggish and depleted. I don’t want to feel like that again.
I’ve been thinking about running the North Face 1/2 or full marathon this year. I really don’t know why, I just have this thing about me that I like to challenge myself. I think it might be because I am psyching myself out thinking I can’t do a physique or figure competition. I’d really like to get on the competition circuits, but I also have this yearning to try crossfit, and do a spartan race. Again, I like extreme things.
I messaged a friend the other day who is a big crossfit girl – I asked her what crossfitters eat because I’m pretty tired of feeling so lost with nutrition – I mean, I know what to eat – but quite frankly I’m tired of “21 days” and “30 days” to fit. I want to be fit for life. I want to kick this eating disorder right in the ass – even though I’m aware that it will never truly go away, I want to at least eat healthy foods most of the time, because I just don’t feel healthy – even though I’ve been eating healthy lately – my body really hasn’t changed – I’m training a lot – if I am eating healthier I should be getting tighter not flabbier…. Something’s just not right.
This post is a bit all over the place, and I’m sorry – but this is just how my mind is lately. I’m frantically trying to find a solution to my problem and the synapses of my brain are firing all over the place – some misfires I’m sure as well.
I want to train. I want to be as strong as I can be. I feel like if I don’t get my nutrition handled then I won’t be able to be strong.
In closing of this post, I will continue to eat as close to clean for the remainder of my 31 days. I’m not a quitter and therefore I will continue to update as promised.
The last few days have been tough, but I’ve been eating whole foods for the most part. We ate out last night and I tried to make my best educated guess on the healthiest “wholest” thing on the menu, I continue to prep food and bring it with me. I want next year to actually end how this one was supposed to. I don’t want to keep this cycle. I want to get better, to continue to grow but to control this demon. I want to feel good in my skin. I’m lucky I have a husband who loves me despite not truly understanding what I’m going through.
I’m sorry this post is all over the place./home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/017/77765195/files/2014/12/img_5999.jpg
I drew this last night. I like the idea that the lion shares her hair, almost as if the lion is part of her. Outside she is beautiful, tame, inside she is full of pride, fearful of what could hurt her but tough when she needs to be. She will scare you away if you come too close…. Inside I’m a lion. I’m scared but I appear to be strong and powerful…..

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